"The circles under your eyes - how lovely you look today!" (Lily Munster)

I'll say it straight out - I have issues with the concept of beauty ... and how that concept relates (or doesn't relate) to my own self-image.

It's very hard for me to think of myself as beautiful.

In fact, it's almost always impossible for me to think that way.  And, to that end -

The picture above is a selfie I took the day I started writing this.  It pains me to even think of putting it here on this blog.  But I know it shouldn't pain me, is the thing.  So I put it up just now.

So, yeah, it's hard for me to look at either of those pictures.

But I did it ... even though what I sometimes see when I look at pictures of myself may not necessarily be the factual information.

And when I look at myself, all I see are problems.  I see my face and body as hopelessly fat.  I see my skin as ruddy and flawed.  I see my eyes as the wrong size and shape.  I see my nose as too big.  I see my hair as looking more like a cheap doll's than a person's.  I see my cheeks as too wide, my ears as too misshapen, my chin as too broad, my eyelids too heavy, my eyebrows too errant, my teeth too crooked, and on and on and on and on ... forever, really.

And - here's the other thing.  This is me, now with an IMPROVED self-image.

When I was a kid ... it was a lot worse.

In the top picture there, I'm smiling because I'm meeting one of my heroes ... Laurette Spang, who played Cassiopeia on the original Battlestar Galactica TV show.  Cassiopeia, you see, was my childhood idea how I wanted to look and to be.  To me, she was nothing less than a space princess.

In the bottom picture, I'm affecting a pose ... from the poster above me.

I'm trying to look like Kate Jackson.

But if you look really closely at the picture, you might be able to detect that there are other things going on in my head aside from pretending I'm one of Charlie's Angels.  And, possibly because of my autism, I'm able to recall that day with perfect clarity.  

In fact, I'm able to think back to precisely what I was saying to myself inside my own head as this photograph was taken:

I'm the ugliest girl who's ever lived.

And that was always accompanied by another thought.

It was a kindred sentiment:

I'm the worst girl who's ever lived.

I often felt like a failure because of these thoughts and the realities I perceived that made me think that way.

I almost always felt like a mistake of nature.

In other words, I felt like a monster.

So, yeah, you could say it wasn't the happiest of childhoods.

But it was my childhood, and even as a kid I understood to value and cherish what I did have instead of just being sad about what my life hadn't given me.

And I tried to be grateful.

I had a lot of things in my life to be grateful for, too - even if I wasn't always brimming over with gratitude.

I had reasonable health.  I had enough food not to be starving.

And I had a family, which meant I wasn't alone in the world, no matter how much I sometimes wished or felt like I was.

And, as people who have read my blog well know, I had my heroes.

In fact, I had the good fortune to have a lot of heroes.

And, as it happened, some of those heroes were also monsters.

More specifically, one of those heroes was a Munster.  Lily Munster, to be exact.

Because, you see, when I watched Lily on The Munsters, I felt different than I usually did while those brief half-hour episodes were on TV.

When I watched Lily ... I felt beautiful, too.

But, just so there's no misunderstanding ... it wasn't a beauty by comparison.

I didn't feel more beautiful because Lily was a monster and therefore somehow wasn't beautiful.  In fact, I thought and think that Lily was and always will be gorgeous.

I mean, she is a vampire, after all.

But her being a vampire wasn't what made her so heroic to me.

It actually didn't have so much to do with her actual physical appearance at all, really, pretty as she is.

Rather, it has always had to do with Lily's attitude.

Lily knows who and what she is.

And she's deeply proud of who and what she is.

In fact, you might even say she wears her nature on her sleeve.

And much of the humor that has made The Munsters a favorite of children and adults for generations now is based around that very virtuous pride that Lily and her family all possess, no matter what civil society thinks of them.

Because virtuous pride is beautiful.  And virtuous pride is a truly timeless trait, and always makes any woman that much more beautiful than they already are.

And that virtuous pride extends beyond herself, to her culture - to her history - and, most critically to me, to her family.

And that kind of pride, given freely to others, helps them to feel proud about who they are, too.

And it extended to me.

Because, when those half-hour shows played, I could forget the emotional abandonment and violent condemnation I received from my own family, and see a family that wasn't just proud to be themselves but also was proud to be with each other, no matter what they were doing.

And, yes, they were all monsters, in their own way ... but that didn't matter when they were together, because of that beautiful pride.

And when that kind of pride is portrayed correctly, it's positively infectious ... even to the audience at home, who may or may not be monsters.

And when Lily is portrayed correctly, that prideful beauty just permeates the character, comes through in everything about who Lily is as a person - above and beyond her nature as a monster, above and beyond her nature as a creature of haunted houses and snakes and spiderwebs.

And while it's true that Lily has been played by some extraordinarily-beautiful women, I also think that it's that pride that has given the character her true longevity in the real world.  

Because she's one vampire who has truly stood the test of time by means that extend well beyond a diet of plasma.

In fact, Lily Munster has been around for decades and has become a fixture of American popular culture, making her as immortal in the real world as she is on Mockingbird Lane.

And she has transcended the medium of her televised origins, appearing in animated specials and films and comics and video games and spin-offs and reimaginings and all manner of wearable and/or displayable merchandise.  

And I think she will continue to do so.

And I think that will be true no matter who plays her or what the medium is in which she appears.

And while not all variations have had the same longevity as the original, I don't think that means we should respect them less - because they've all contributed to making the character who she is today, and that refusal of the character to go quietly into the realm of obscurity - means that, to my way of thinking, the pride I'm describing that makes Lily so appealing doesn't just resonate with me.

I think it resonates with anyone who, at any time, has felt like a monster - and who has learned to be proud of the fact that they are, to everyday society, a monster.

Because Lily isn't just proud in spite of who and what she is.  Rather, she loves who and what she is, and clearly thinks that anyone who disagrees with her can go to somewhere far less pleasant than Hell.

And that's another part of what makes her a hero to me.

She revels in her monstrosity.  And celebrates it.

Because she has the capacity to see beauty where others might only see ugliness.

And there is wisdom in that, I think.

There is a definite wisdom in being able to look at the world and see all the ugliness in that world and not let it drag you into becoming bitter and angry.

It's a power that, to my way of thinking, turns fate and chaos into harmony and music.

And, growing up, I desperately - desperately - needed that music.

And Lily has always helped me find it.

And that's why she helps me see myself as beautiful, even when the murmuring thoughts in my head that are telling me I'm the worst.  She tells those errant, chaotic thoughts to head for the hills, because even dragons and beetles - yes - monsters ... can be beautiful, even in their monstrosity.

And it's so nice to have moments when those thoughts are silenced, where I can accept that ... yeah ... I'm not the prettiest person who has ever been born.  

And I'm ok with that.

And I'm OK with knowing that - to many people - I was something of a monster as a young transgirl and am something of a monster as an adult transwoman.  And monsters kind of rule.

And we rule specifically because we're weird and strange and different.

We rule because we're unique.

And if you can't handle that, know that we don't care.  We're not hurting you or anyone else just because we look or talk or act a little different.  In fact, we celebrate our differences for the world to see when you "normal" folks haven't beaten the pride out of us.

And, yes, I know - I've got circles under my eyes, and I'm fat, and my skin isn't the best, and not many of the "normal" people of the world will probably ever think I'm hot.

And, when I brim with confidence like when I write essays like this, I don't care.  Have another selfie, normals.

So - yeah, call me ugly.  Call me a monster.  Because - you know what else?

We monsters don't need you normal people to justify our existence in order to feel good about ourselves.

Because there are other wonderful monsters out there, and there really are Special Someones for everyone.

And we do things differently from you.

And you can't fit us into the peg-holes too easily, despite how badly you need to do that.

And we do color outside the lines.

But you know what?

We're out here having the time of our lives - whether those lives are unmercifully brief because of your hateful behavior or whether we make ourselves immortal to history.

So, remember - while you're stuck within your four white walls, we're spreading our wings.

And when we fly, we gain advantages you can't even imagine.

Because we get a different point of view.

We have perspective from that point of view, too - and it's perspective you can never have.

And we can see beauty where you only see ugliness.

And that means we can see ourselves as beautiful.

And we can see parts of the world that are invisible to you.

And we can look past things that make you run away.

Which means we can be there for each other in the roughest times, when people really need each other in life ... the frightening times, the uncertain times.

The ugly times, when those you love are hurting and need your help the most.

And we're there for each other even when things change, and people change.

And we don't have to judge by appearances when those changes happen.

And we can see people because of their character and not just their appearance.

And, sure, we fail, too - sometimes spectacularly.

But, remember - we're monsters.

And monsters always come back - one way or another.

And monsters are also so often family when it comes to other monsters.

Because our blood-families in the real world so often reject us.

So we have to make our own families, sometimes out of discarded scraps that you might reject but which we will always cherish and love forever.

And that's special, and unique, and something so many people can't ever understand.

And I think that this also means that we're more true to our families of fellow monsters - because we had to make them out of nothing.

And in creating them, we value them a little bit more.  And that brings us closer together.

And family - at its best and most treasured - knows that honesty with each other is the greatest beauty there is.

And if that isn't enough to convince you we monsters rule ...

... consider that, hey, at least none of us are Marilyn.  Tsk.  Poor dear.

If you know the show you get the joke.

And if you don't know the show ... what are you waiting for?  It's on Netflix.  As always, I'll wait.

Back?  Awesome.  Don't you feel illuminated?

And, as for me?

I am a beautiful, wonderful monster.  And I'm proud of how I look as I finish writing this.  I feel good about who I am.

So, have another selfie -

I look lovely today, don't I?

Yeah.

I think so, too.