"People are gonna stare no matter how I dress!" (Jennifer Walters aka She-Hulk)

What does it mean to have true confidence?

I'm not talking about simple definitions here.  I mean to ask how a person with true confidence lives life.

I mean to ask what it takes to have the confidence to walk through life's walls, to break down life's barriers and - most importantly - to survive.

It think it takes belief in oneself.

I think it takes courage.

Most of all, though - I think it takes strength.

But I'm not just talking about physical strength.  I'm talking about the kind of strength that transcends the physical.  I'm talking about strength that comes from within - the kind that accentuates the physical.

I have that strength, and having it means I'm not ashamed to say that I do.  

I'm also not ashamed to say that one of the inspirations for that strength comes from having read the adventures of Jennifer Walters, also known as She-Hulk.

I find the imagery on the cover of that first issue of The Savage She-Hulk to be very symbolic of what I'm talking about in this piece.  Consider the image; thae crowds of people around Jennifer display expressions of terrified shock, but the presence of both Jennifer and She-Hulk is clearly not intended to be literal.  

Jennifer and She-Hulk exist on the cover as one entity - and yet, the crowd reacts to both of them with a frightened awe that's clearly meant to be a reaction to the intimidating She-Hulk.  

Therein lies the symbolism.

People fear Jennifer because She-Hulk lurks inside of her.

Think about that.  People aren't just afraid of the reality of Jennifer's abilities.  They're even afraid of the potential for those abilities to manifest. They're not just afraid of who and what she is, but what she can do even when that capacity's not on immediate display.

What they fear, then, is her power.

It's not a difficult concept to grasp; it's demonstrably true both in the make-believe world of comics and the real world.  It's painfully obvious in both, in fact.

For She-Hulk's broad-brushstroke world of bigger-than-life adventures, it's a parade of absurd super-villains with diabolical machinations and seedy underworld characters trying to flout the law.

For real people in the real world, it's day-to-day living.

We've all seen it happen: a disparity of power disrupts a transaction, a conversation, a relationship.

It's never pleasant.  It's often ridiculous.  And it's been going on in our lives since we were first cognitively-aware until the day you're reading this essay.

But for women in American society, this kind of disparity of power is an incredibly serious matter.

Those facts might surprise some of the readers who found this piece looking for information about She-Hulk's measurements.

If you don't think such Google searches exist, you haven't owned a blog and checked out what Google searches brought people to your blog.  Trust me - you don't want to know all the things people are searching for that bring them to your blog.

But that's kind of the point of this piece.  I get to see those results, and yet I have the confidence to keep writing my blog.  I have the confidence to say what I say by writing what I write.  I want people who do that Google search for She-Hulk's measurements to know that I'm on to them, and I'm doing what I can to fight them every day.  Maybe then they'll back off a little.  I doubt it, though.  But I still try.

So, in refusing to be a victim, does that mean the onus is entirely upon me to be strong when I'm victimized?  Yeah, it totally does.  I recognize that I'm the one who has to do the work on that.  It's unfair.  It's awful.  It's gross.  It's also a reality.  As I've said in other pieces, the bullies and victimizers of the world could stop doing those things - but they won't.  As long as there are people alive, there will be victimizers and bullies.  By definition of their trade, they've abdicated any and all responsibility.

We see it on television.  We see it in movies.  We see it in books.  We witness it happening on the bus.  We witness it happening on the street.  We witness it happening in our own everyday lives.  We deal with it at work.  We deal with it at home.  We deal with it everywhere, and daily.

And yeah - sometimes we lose our cool about it all.

And there are well-meaning people out there who will tell us - over and over - that things will get better, that we should roll with the punches, that we ought to relax.

And there's some truth to all that; it's unhealthy to remain in that state of zigzagging between our instincts for fight or flight, perpetually, forever fearing victimization of some kind or another from the unfair imbalances of one's life, or even from witnessing it happening in the lives of others.

But that doesn't mean we should paint ourselves as victims, especially when there are so many people out to victimize us.

To deny that there are forces standing against us is like denying there's a bus barreling down on us.  It might work for our invulnerable heroes in the pages of our favorite comic books, but that kind of approach to life is incredibly dangerous in real life.  It can prove deadly, especially when a lot of those real-life threats are seeking us out on the street with the express intent of causing us harm.

And that's where confidence comes into play.  It's not about being oblivious to danger, pretending that nothing can hurt us.  It's about knowing that we're strong enough to fight back against those threats.  We may not be able to crush that bus, but we can protect ourselves and others in our real-life circumstances.

We can bring out our inner strength, and use it - whether that scares the crowd or not.

In fact, it's the specific reality that we're sought out as would-be victims that requires us to refute that classification.  And we can't just refute it when we feel like we have the strength.  We have to refute it every time, all the time.  We have to fight back against it, too, every time.

And it's not just about being a woman.  It's about anyone who's being bullied in such a fashion.  And yes, I think what the patriarchal nature of American society does to women amounts to bullying.  What else would you call a daily barrage of messages about how a person's not good enough, not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not capable enough?

I call that bullying.  If you've got a better name for it, you're welcome to it.  But I'm going to stick with bullying, because that's how I see it.  I also have confidence that I'm correct.  I likewise have confidence that bullies can be defeated.

To my way of thinking, it really does come down to having the confidence to refuse to be a victim even when victimized, to stand tallest when we're bottoming out, to defy our oppressors at every step.

And part of that means being willing to suffer - because there will always be bullies, and their abuse will always be present in our lives.

That doesn't, however, mean that we have to accept it, any more than She-Hulk accepts when people try to victimize her.  Bullies are usually pretty hard-headed - it can take more than just talking to them to solve problems.

Sometimes, it means we really do have to fight back.

That's why I encourage every woman and child I know to take martial arts classes, to take boxing classes, to take into their daily life any kind of athletic training that might help them increase their physical strength.

If they can't afford it, I try to encourage them to look for free classes.  If they have disabilities, I try to point out that there are physical fitness classes that accomodate some of these limitations.  It's not about doing it all; it's about doing whatever's possible, and the limits of those possibilities are not what they might appear to be.

Limitations, be fought.  Limitations, be defeated.  Limitations, be damned.  That's how I try to think whenever I face something I don't think I can do, something I don't think I can face.

Doubt, after all, is a very real part of being alive. Everyone has it.  It's what we do after we feel the doubt that matters.

I try to think of how Jennifer Walters deals with doubt and uncertainty, when she feels like the world is trying to prey upon her.

She bursts open the doors, takes no prisoners, demands what she wants - and, more often than not, gets it.

Yes, it's a comic book fantasy, and it doesn't always work in real life.  Sometimes, in reality, we fail.  But that's when we have to be our most heroic, and be willing to try again.

It's what every good coach tries to teach every child who's taking sports:  your character when you lose is what determines your true nature.

But - through all of this - I recognize that there are parties that won't "play fair."  I recognize that there are forces out there working to destroy me and to destroy the people and ideals I hold dear.  I recognize there are people who wage war on me solely because of who and what I am.

And I recognize that no matter what I do or say, they're going to keep coming after me.

And learning to deal with that is another aspect of this confidence I'm writing about here today.

Now, it's all well and good that people are waking up to the epidemic of bullying that's been going on in the USA for decades.

I don't pretend, however, that it has anything to do with an increased compassion on the part of the American public.  Rather, I think it has to do with a coupling of a new world of instantaneous transmission of information with the laziness of group thought processes that has developed along with it.

In short, the American public wants to know what to be outraged about, wants to share in the outrage and ultimately doesn't really want to do anything about it - because doing something would require hard work.

Notice California on the map.  Notice how it has bullying laws?  Notice how it's also one of the worst places to be bullied?  It's because these laws are ineffective - as they're often designed to be.

In fact, many conservative lawmakers have worked hard to ensure that bullies are protected as long as they base their bullying on religious or social grounds.

It makes you mad, doesn't it?

I think it's healthy to get mad, as long as that anger is going toward empowering ourselves.

Too often, though, that outrage can turn inward, where we become isolated and afraid instead of strong and confident.

It's almost as if we can become afraid of our own power, just like those crowds of people on the cover of Savage She-Hulk #1.

And this is why Jennifer Walters inspires me so much when I feel the weight of all these burdens on my shoulders.

You see, when the She-Hulk character started out, the creator hewed close to the formula that was working for her cousin, Bruce Banner, and his emerald alter-ego.  Jennifer viewed her situation as a curse, and fought hard to keep her She-Hulk persona in check.

But, over the years, a funny thing happened.

As more and more writers interpreted the character, Jennifer Walters changed.  And she didn't just change into a big green version of herself.

The writers started giving her confidence.

And that wasn't just confidence in Jennifer Walters.  It was confidence in She-Hulk.  And it wasn't portrayed as a different identity for her.  That confidence transcended her physical appearance and was about her sense of self, her sense of identity - and her sense of pride in who and what she is.

And after that idea was established, writers started writing this fierce confidence as being an integral part of Jennifer's character.

Writers even went so far as to take the then-unconventional route of having Jennifer actively prefer her physical appearance in her She-Hulk identity.

They even depicted her maintaining her job and friendships, the entirety of her non-superhero life at the same time as she was fighting crime.

In short, the writers let her have her power.

And the path they took to this was to depict her as having confidence.

And I loved it.

I loved it because of how big and bold She-Hulk is.  I loved it because she's the kind of character who walks into a scene and owns the situation.  I loved it because she's an all-eyes-on-her kind of character, who's unafraid to be powerful and unafraid to be seen being powerful.  I loved it because she was so different from the way most women were written - when she was written well.

Most of all, though, I loved it because Jennifer's established confidence necessitates that most writers approach her from the standpoint of writing her as a woman who isn't fearless, but refuses to be afraid of anything.

Basically, I loved it - and still love it - because she demands that writers put away their sexism for a while and write a woman who's strong and confident and unafraid of her power.

Of course, artists will often try to get in their digs against her, the way those artists will try that with every woman they draw.  They'll sexualize her where they can.  And, likewise, poor writers will try to tear away the foundations of her character with pointless shocking revelations they hope will secretly undo that confidence.  They've made the attempt before; they'll make the attempt again.

But here's the thing:  with She-Hulk, it never sticks.

Just as soon as that Big Event or Pointless Mini-Series is over, she goes right back to being confident again.  

To me, She-Hulk's confidence is one of her super-powers.  You can no more take it away than you can take away Superman's ability to fly - though, as we know, some people have tried to envision Superman as flightless.  

Here's the thing, though - it doesn't work.  You just can't keep a good woman down - and that's how She-Hulk is.  

And it's how we all need to be.

We need to be unafraid to use our strength.  We need to be unafraid to use our power.  We need to be unafraid to speak out against our oppressors.  We need to be unafraid to walk away from bad situations.  We need to confront abusers.  We need to know when to get out.  We need to have a constant awareness.  We need to arm ourselves with tools of survival.  We need to refute bullies. We need to stand together against the forces that stand against us.  We need to know when to draw lines.  We need to know when to cross lines.  We need to know when to defy authority.  We need to know when to use our authority against those who defy us.

We also need to be confident in our ability to do all these things.

Because we totally can.  We have that strength.  And if we don't, we need to acquire it so we can use it to defend ourselves and each other.

And, as I've said, this doesn't mean that we need to have six-pack abs and shoulders the size of tree trunks.  It doesn't mean we need to fight the Man-Elephant.  It doesn't mean that we have to travel to space or have a hot boyfriend or girlfriend.

But it does mean working hard - a lot; all the time, in fact.  

It means a near-constant state of struggle, no matter how fatigued we are.  It means that women who can write well should use their minds to inspire and not quit 'til that inspiration carries through their words.  It means women who can draw well should craft inspiring images of women and not quit 'til their work replaces every misogynistic image on the planet.  It means women who understand the fields of business should rise in the ranks and take jobs away from patriarchal men and not quit 'til every hateful chauvinist is out of a job.  It means women who are physically strong need to shatter the records set by men and not quit 'til they're talking to the media about how they did it.  It means that women who know the law need to advocate for women's rights and not quit 'til they succeed.  It means women who understand the world of politics need to keep fighting until they get into the positions of authority an not quit 'til every "legitimate rape" Republican is unemployed.

It also means being unafraid to throw down against those bullies.  

Every woman has bullies in her life, even if they're as abstract as the patriarchal nature of American society that I wrote about toward the beginning of this article.

But we have to deal with them all, no matter how frightening or impressive or intimidating they might be.

And it's not enough to simply create a program or use kind words or be inclusive.  Those are noble goals, but they're not enough.

And the only way we can achieve that in any kind of lasting way is to be strong.

And to accomplish that, we have to be willing to be strong.  We have to accept our own power.

We have to fight.  We have to lead.  We have to achieve.

And we have to stop the self-harm.

And we have to stop the fear of "triggers," no matter how horrible the images are that we face.  We have to stop living in terms of our history.  We have to stop letting the people who victimized us keep on doing it over and over by making us afraid to leave our houses.  We have to stand tall no matter the weight we're carrying.

Accepting your own power is hard.  Accepting that power might be the hardest thing you've ever done.  But please, accept your own power as you read these words.   I beg you to read what I say  and think about it.  Demolish your triggers.  Put down the cutting instruments.  Put down the suicidal thoughts.  Put down the self-loathing and the willingness to listen to words of cruelty from others.  Put down the willingness to live a life so devoted to fear that every moment becomes a nightmare.  You have that power inside of you.  Let it out and don't be ashamed at how much larger it makes your spirit.

You're better than that kind of self-hatred.    You're BIGGER than that.  Your spirit can be small and timid, or you can accept the rush of blood through your veins and refute those who want you to drain it away.  You can refute those who want to hurt you.  You can refute those who want you to die.

Show your strength instead.

When people try to hurt you, don't put up with it.

When you're tempted to hurt yourself, don't put up with it.

When someone is screaming at you, let yourself have the power and confidence to understand how little it matters to you.

Whatever you do, maintain confidence in yourself - because if you hurt yourself, if you kill yourself ... you're telling every bully who ever hurt you that they were right to doubt you.  You're saying that your way of doing things is a way that ends in you causing your own death.  You're making illegitimate every decision you've ever made.  You're denying the love of every person who cares about you.  You're saying that nobody and nothing matters to you.

Don't give your - our - oppressors that much satisfaction.  Because as soon as they're done with you, they're going to move on to someone else.  Despite what these high schoolers say when they sob over the demise of the latest victim of bullying, the bottom line was that they didn't care enough to stop the bullying that caused that suicide or suicide attempt.  By definition, that means that they were OK with it.

But I'm not.

And you shouldn't be, either.

Hug your sisters, metaphorically or in real life.  Remember that we're all beautiful in so many totally different ways, whether we're skinny and pink or a giant green monster.  In fact, it's those differences that define us as beautiful, unique in all the world.

Don't deny me the chance to get to know you.  Don't deny me the chance to be your friend.  Don't deny yourself the chance to become mine.  Don't deny yourself everything you'll ever think, invent, create, love or cherish.  Don't deny making sacred the things you will see as divine in all in the universe.  There's so much to explore that we don't yet know; stick around and see what we can all come up with together.

I believe in my own strength.  It's what keeps me alive.  It's what I hope will inspire my readers.

I hope it might inspire you, if you're reading this.

I don't know who reads or doesn't read my blog, but I do sincerely and with the full weight of my mind and heart behind it hope that you reading this now are even a little bit inspired by what I've said - inspired to be strong, to fight back, to let the power inside of you out for all to see.

And if you're a bully who - after reading all this - still lacks the empathy to stop hurting other people, know that we've got your number.  We're not putting up with it.  We're using our strength and we're not afraid to show it.  So that leaves you with a choice.  You can continue making us angry, or not.  You want my advice on the matter?

Don't make us angry.

You wouldn't like us when we're angry.