"I want to make my own life. Before someone else makes it for me." (Laura Kinney aka X-23)

"I want to make my own life. Before someone else makes it for me." (Laura Kinney aka X-23)

Lately, I've been thinking quite a bit about danger.  

I've been thinking about BEING in danger - what it means, when it happens, how it feels.

I tend to personalize abstract concepts like that, which can cause problems.

When you personalize an idea like that, it can result in conflict, in misunderstandings.  People can get offended.  People can accuse you of lacking empathy.  Of course, those accusations are something you learn to deal with when you're autistic.

Being autistic, in and of itself, can be dangerous. I can sometimes get lost in these big ideas - and not notice a street sign, or a curb or even an oncoming car.  Sometimes, I think there's even the danger of getting lost like that and not being able to find my way back to the real world.

That scares me, and I'm writing it here because that's one of the principle points of this blog: to say and do the things that terrify me - like, for example, putting an unfiltered picture of myself on the internet in the middle of a blog post.

Let's do it.

I took that picture in the late evening as I rode home on the Tri-Met Max rail system, after work.    I also made it my profile on my Twitter account.  As I said above, it's not filtered.  It's not cropped.  It's totally unmodified.  It's literally just a photo I took from my phone.

I took it because I'd just gotten a new pair of glasses and a manicure the day before, and I felt just amazing - but I also took it because I wanted to put myself out there in a way that made me uncomfortable.

I notice that a lot of transwomen don't put pictures of themselves on the internet.  I've asked a lot of them why, and I get a variety of reasons.  Unsurprisingly, a lot of it has to do with danger.

I've been told that it's fear, but it's not the same kind of fear for everyone who feels it.

For some, it's the fear of stigmatization.  For others, it's the fear of recognition.  For many, it's the fear of becoming the victim of the very real threat of physical violence and/or sexual assault.

I admit that I shared some of those concerns, too. This is the internet, after all:  it's a dangerous place, and the people here can - and often do - prove to be cruel and heartless.  One need only look at the big controversy going on right now about massive social media sites with permissive attitudes about "rape jokes."

Yeah, there are things like the above picture.  It's a real "rape meme" that can be found on Facebook.

I'm including it here because it's one of the only "rape memes" I could find that doesn't include photos of an actual human being.

I wanted to include a sample image in this case, though, because I think refusing to face the reality of the situation is what gives a lot of ground to our opponents.

Remember that "old" slogan?  Well, I think it's no less true for transwomen on the internet.  I think it applies.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to say it anyway:  that's one of the dangers of having opinions and sharing them with people.

This brings me to another danger of self-exposure on the internet:  when you share your opinions, others will share theirs back at you, whether you like their opinions or not.

Since starting this blog, I've gotten death threats.  I've gotten rape threats.  I've gotten threats about everything in-between.  I've been told I'm not really a woman.  I've been told I'm not really a man.  I've been told I'm not worth the air I "waste" by breathing.  I've been told I'm the root cause of hurricanes and tornados.  I've been told I'm fat.  I've been told I'm ugly.  I've been told I'm going to Hell.  I've been told that my "soul" will be saved.  In fact - considering how loathsome so many of these comments find me to be - there's been an awful lot of supposed concern for what I ought to to with my mind and body from a lot of different people.

Now, I have to say that when I started this blog, I was legitimately afraid that it might lead to me suffering physical harm, if the blog got noticed at all.

I worried, because I'd heard horror stories from women about how they were threatened online because they had opinions, or stood up to sexism or patriarchal rhetoric.

That's when I realized:  if such a threat exists, then that's precisely why a blog like mine needs to exist in the first place.  So I created the blog, and I started posting my thoughts, even if what I was writing felt risky or intimidating to me; and now, here I am - at my fiftieth article, and still alive.

I realized that it is the very act of writing this blog that is an act of defiance.

I believe that the reason we get so much hatred as transwomen, or, really, women of any kind, is because every word we say, every thought we think - it's threatening to many men.  Our mere existence is an affront to a lot of them, unless they're looking for a thrill.

Thus, I believe they see their "rape jokes" and "rape memes" as retaliation against an injustice.  For them, that injustice is our very existence on this planet as living beings with minds and voices.  If we were only silent, then, well, things would be all right - right?

Except that we're not silent, and I hope we never will be, again.  So many people systematically rendered voiceless have found a means to speak to, to communicate with and to find each other.

There have been countless books written on that very subject.  I'm not interested in getting into that kind of depth with this article.  I'm writing down what concerns me, and how it affects me, and how it makes me feel - especially how it makes me feel.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I'm going to say that writing this blog makes me feel like a superhero.

More specifically, it makes me feel like one Laura Kinney, also known as X-23.  Those familiar with the character might not get the connection, but I hope you'll understand by the close of my article.

When a character I discuss is extremely - or even somewhat - well-known, I don't tend to bother with a lot of exposition about the actual character.  If a person is curious to know more, they can Google the character.

However, since X-23 is, unfortunately, somewhat obscure, let's briefly cover who she is and what she's all about as follows.

Paraphrased from Wikipedia:

• X-23 (Laura Kinney) is a fictional comic book superheroine appearing in books published by Marvel Comics, in particular those featuring the X-Men. X-23 is a female clone of Wolverine.
• X-23 was created for the X-Men: Evolution animated television series before being brought into comics. X-23 first appears in episode #40 (season 3, episode 11) of the program (titled "X-23.").  
• Her comic debut was in 2004 in the series NYX, where her history and past were never divulged but her abilities were showcased. In X-23, her first miniseries, her origin was fully explained. 
• She became part of the X-Men supporting cast in Uncanny X-Men #450.
• X-23 was created by Craig Kyle. 
• Cloned from a damaged copy of Wolverine's genome, X-23 was created to be the perfect killing machine. For years, she proved herself a notable assassin, though a series of tragedies eventually led her to Wolverine and the X-Men, with whom she now seeks to turn her life around.
• X-23 is a female clone created from Wolverine's genetic material. Consequently, her mutant powers are similar to his. 
• Like Wolverine, X-23's primary mutant ability is an accelerated healing factor that allows her to regenerate damaged or destroyed tissues with far greater speed and efficiency than an ordinary human. Injuries such as gunshot wounds, slashes, and puncture wounds completely heal within a matter of minutes. 
• Her healing factor is developed to such a degree that she can reattach severed limbs. She has also been shown to be able to regrow limbs; for example, she regrew her arm in time after Kimura had severed it from her body. 
• X-23's mutant healing factor heightened her physical senses, strength, speed, agility, reflexes/reactions, coordination, balance, endurance to superhuman levels. 
• Like Wolverine, X-23 possesses retractable claws sheathed within her forearms. She releases the claws through the tissue of her knuckles, leaving small wounds which are healed by her healing factor. 
• Unlike Wolverine, however, X-23 has only two claws per hand. She also possesses a single, retractable claw housed within each foot.
• Born and raised in captivity, X-23 has been trained to become a living weapon. She is highly trained in the use of long range weapons and explosives and is a formidable hand-to-hand combatant, with intensive training in numerous armed and unarmed martial arts techniques. She has also been subjected to conditioning in which a specific "trigger scent" has been used to send her into a berserker rage, killing anything in sight; Emma Frost is unsure if this will ever be fully suppressed. She is also highly educated and so far has displayed that she is fluent in French and Japanese.

By now, you should be up to speed on the mundane details of the character.  I say "mundane details" because nothing in that description would likely indicate to people unfamiliar with her why she matters to me, or why I see her as symbolically representative of this fight that's underway across the internet right now.

So, let me try to elaborate.

As you can see from the Wikipedia description, X-23 was created as a clone and trained to be an assassin.  What I think stands out to me about that is that she's an "artificial creation," seen as less-than-human by the people who created her.  It was what drew me to the character originally, a sympathy for someone who doesn't even fit in the world of mutants in the Marvel Universe in terms of her origin: she wasn't "born this way."  She was "made this way," by design, by people looking to exploit her.

She's also got to struggle with the fact that she's seen as a tool, a weapon, something those who created her want to use for their own vicious and violent purposes.  This, too, resonates with me - because I see women every day who are dealing with the exact same thing, without the comic book metaphor - because, as I said above, I think that the "rape jokes" and so much of "rape culture," they're really about constricting and restricting the span of a woman's vision of herself, tightening the limits of what she can be.  "You were made to be an assassin, and you are an assassin and you have no other purpose," say the people who created X-23.  That's symbolic, to me - it's a huge part of what I struggle against, as a transwoman:  the unwillingness of people to see me beyond some kind of genetic or chemical characteristics.

But - here's the thing:  Laura says "No."

She says no to being defined by other people.  She says no to being their toy, or pet.  She says no to killing others because someone else thinks it's a good idea.  She says no to being anyone's slave.  She says no to being characterized, limited, put into a box.

And every time she does that in the comics I read about her, it makes me feel the same kind of feeling I get when I start typing on this blog - the delicious feeling of someone (even if it's myself) rising through rebellion.

Those are beautiful moments, the times when we say "no" and start breaking bonds, escaping the asylum we're kept in - or are keeping ourselves in, for some people.

There's a tremendous power to the word "no."

I think people often lose sight of the positivity that can be associated with "no."

By definition, it's a term used to answer in the negative - but that doesn't mean the results will be negative.  "No" can be a statement of certainty, of intellect, of strength and self-confidence.

Laura's whole existence as an independent human being comes from her need to say "no" to her captors and tormentors.  They don't even want to let her have the luxury in her life of a sense of self-identity, so she uses "no" to create herself.

I feel we all need to start doing that, like she did, but in a non-destructive fashion.

Of course, "no" can be a very destructive term, too, as when people succumb to negativity or their own darkness - saying "no" to joy, to experiences, to life itself.

Those moments fill me with incredible sorrow, not just for lives or minds lost but for the fact that I see that moment when someone succumbs as a victory for the opposition, the people who try to tell us who and what we can be and/or have to be.  Worst of all is that when we lose someone to despair - every time someone gives in and quits the fight -  that's a mark on the world that tells those who bully or attack or oppress that they're right.  They're not right, of course.  But every single time we lose someone on our side, they see it as a victory.  It's simple math to them, because this is how they see the exchange:

• "You don't belong on this Earth - you're not strong enough to handle it." says the attacker, "so you should go kill yourself."

• "I guess you're right," says the suicidal victim,  "so 'bye.'"    

• "Yay, I win!" says the attacker.  "Who's next?"

That's honestly how I believe these attacking people think - and I don't want to give them any more victories.  I think they see it as a game of numbers, a literal "Us vs. Them" attitude pitting "normals" against, well, "mutants" - however you want to paint the mutants; and it's wrong for them to blame the victim who's being attacked, of course.  It's cruel.  It's unfair as hell.  It's one of the most frustrating parts of being part of the communities I'm a part of, because the people in them are so often victimized, so often attacked.

We've asked men to stop being violent to women.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop portraying women as objects.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop disrespecting women.  They refuse.  We've asked men to pay women with equal wages.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop bullying women.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop murdering women.  They refuse.  We've asked men to listen, to think, to look into our human hearts and see our shared humanity.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop posting "rape jokes" and "rape memes" online.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop treating violence against women like a joke.  They refuse.  We've asked men to stop actual rapes.  They refuse.

So why are we still asking?  Is it because we hold out some kind of hope that things will change after thousands of years of rape and assault?

I've heard the arguments:  "Men aren't animals.  They can listen to reason."  Well, of course these statements are true.  But WILL they listen to reason?  Have they EVER listened to reason in the past?  MIGHT they start someday in the future?  The answer to all three questions, of course, is that it's a possiblity.  But history tells us it's not too likely.

To me, the question isn't a matter of whether or men can listen to reason.  Of course, they can.  So why do we keep asking that question?

I think the reason we keep asking that question is because of the alternative:  the realization that men, as they are now, have the same opportunity to listen to reason - and have abdicated their responsibility to do so.

They've shrugged and said they have no interest in what we have to say, no matter how often or how loudly we say it.

So, if we accept the idea that men have abdicated any and all responsibility in the face of vast evidence of how women across the world are suffering from the ravages of sexism, then what's left for us?

We have to do what X-23 did, but in the realm of reality - in the world of our day-to-day lives:  we have to refuse to be defined in the ways they want to categorize us.  We have to refuse to fight their war.  We have to refuse to be defined by their terms.  We have to make our own identities out of the scraps they leave behind and show them we're too strong to be hurt by them.

In short, we have to become warriors if we're not already; and if we are, we need to start showing and using our strengths.

We need to do what Laura does, but in a psychological and sociological fashion.

We need to recognize that our captors have no interest in changing the way their system works.

Why would they, if they were the ones who invented it?

We need to recognize that the opposition has, in fact, abdicated responsibility - and that the responsibility therefore falls upon is.  And what I said before about that still holds true:  it isn't right, and it isn't fair.  That's how injustice works.

But nobody on the other side is going to do this for us.  We need to do it ourselves, and it needs to come from us, as all worthwhile rebellions come not from the benevolence of the oppressor but from the resistance of the oppressed.  We can't simply ask the other side to try to be better - they don't want to, and they won't do it.

It's been said that survival is the best revenge, and I believe that's true.  When we survive - when we flourish - we tell everyone who sees us that we're right in the way we do things.  We show our strength by getting out of bed and walking out into the world.  We show our pride by revealing our faces and refusing to be afraid, no matter what they throw at us.  We fight metaphorical wolves, not with physical violence, but with the refusal to succumb to psychological torture.  We slay that metaphorical wolf and stare down our oppressors and say "Who's next?"

When people who identify as women - whatever their origin - can do this, we'll start winning this fight.  We'll be able to stop fearing their "triggers" because they'll no longer have power over us.  We'll stop worrying about their "privilege" because they'll have none.  We'll stop screaming about our diminishment because we'll be strong.

And, unlike them, we won't abdicate our responsibilities to ourselves to be better than  what we are.  We'll look to who we can be, and we'll define ourselves by our actions and deeds.  And, because we have had lifetimes of being oppressed, we'll have those experiences to remind us never to abdicate future responsibilities, either.

And most of all - the message that I want to get out to every person who thrives on the oppression of women:  we'll never - ever - surrender.